I had a dream about you last night. Which is strange because I haven’t thought about you much, if at all lately. Maybe only fleetingly, when I scroll past your name on Facebook or drive past your old apartment. I wonder how you’re doing and if you’re happy. Actually I know you’re probably happy. You had too much potential for this stiflingly small town and I’m glad you made it out. You were always imaginative and thought about things so differently. I always knew you were meant for more.
But anyways, back to my dream.
I don’t remember much of the specifics, just bits and pieces and how it all felt. The parts I can recall, I remember vividly. It’s almost like gazing out of the window in the middle of a late night thunderstorm. The brief, spectacular flashes of lightning reveal everything in the shadowy night.
We were sitting in your crappy old car driving without a destination in mind just like we used to. I looked over at you and saw that goofy grin that always brought a smile to my own face. And we both just sat there smiling as if we’d gone completely mad. It was like we couldn’t believe after all these years we found our way back to each other. That we were sitting there in your car just inches apart.
We were driving down the parkway, past the beautiful old inns alongside the winding river. Somehow we ended up outside my work and stopped inside to talk to my parents. They were smiling just like we were, and I could feel that they were proud. They were happy I’d found you again and proud of the people we’d become. I didn’t realize how important that was to me until this moment.
When we turned around to get back in your car you dashed in front of me to open up the door and we both laughed, remembering when I teased you about it one of the first times we’d gone out.
We laughed and joked and shared our deepest, ugliest truths that we would never dare say in front of anyone else. And we just kept driving into the night, passing familiar streets and climbing the hill deeper into our little city of twinkling lights.
The way I felt in the dream caught me completely off guard. I felt happy and light, almost as if I was made of the sun, with my beams illuminating the darkest parts of both of us. I felt connected to something. For once, I felt less alone in this cruel, unforgiving world. Everything was okay and everything was worth it because I was warm and happy and sure of what I wanted. The weight of your arm against mine steadied me from buckling against the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Perhaps this is why I can’t let myself fall for him. Regardless of how hard he tries, I’ve never felt close to a fraction of what I felt with you. A phantom reminder of what we had so many years ago was finally enough to help me realize this.
You weren’t the one for me, but he certainly isn’t either.
So I’m going to keep looking. I’m going to wait until I find someone that makes me feel alive and passionate. Someone who reminds me that I can feel like sunshine again, even with the weight of the burdens I carry.
I guess all I’m trying to say is that I had a dream about you last night.