It’s hard when the world changes, and I am not ready. When life moves forward and I don’t want to go that way. Every atom, every cell that I am, somehow screams against the change.

No, this isn’t right. 

No, I don’t want it. 

Please, just let it stay the same, how it was.

Even if it wasn’t good for me.

Even if it was. Change doesn’t care.  Like the wind, it just comes.

Even if God is calling me out into unknown waters teeming with untapped life, fish that could fill my net full, if I only trusted enough to cast off the line. But letting go hurts. Especially when we loved what we are leaving behind.

I have found myself screaming inside against lost relationships, death, change, the brokenness of my body and mind. The sort of internal anguish, where there are no words, just the groaning of the spirit the Paul writes about in Romans 8. The groaning when every piece of you cries for what was, but isn’t anymore.

And I wonder, how to I reconcile myself to change in these times. How do I allow myself to feel the hurt and then move on; let go of what isn’t and embrace what new things are being birthed.

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