I usually go to bed by 11:30. I don’t know why but; yesterday I was unable to be a slave of my usual routine. Being here and there, roaming around within the boundaries of my room, I ended up coming to my phone. And then after a long time, I scrolled down to my older chats in WhatsApp. Heart started beating faster and faster as I reached that chat. It drove me mad to see him online. He too was online; don’t know why, but somehow my perplexed mind commanded my fingers to type. I knew I shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t stop this urge. And so finally, I typed hurriedly, “How you?”. So hurriedly, that I made a stupid typo. A million thoughts were running in my head and an amalgamation of anxiousness for his text and regret for being so weak shook my heart. All of a sudden, the tick, previously grey, turned blue as soon as he read the text.
Since the past 10 mins, I had been waiting for his reply and looking at his profile picture. Maybe he too was building his will to text or maybe he was just merely ignoring me. How incidental it is that there was a no reason, but when it’s in your fate, it’s bound to happen; maybe, since he was active tonight, the night didn’t lead me to that practically instantaneous slumber.
Soon, he replied to me with warm greets and asked how I was, and we talked about our quarantine. Don’t know when and how, but suddenly all those flashbacks started to dazzle my eyes. He was typing, but I was lost somewhere between all the nightmares, all good memories and the bad empiricism. I couldn’t see my chat clearly, as my eyes were flooded with tears, the tears I had been hiding from everyone, and, I realised, maybe even from myself. It didn’t made any sense, what ever was happening, everything that was happening seemed to me as the universe was giving me signs that it’s time for a confession, my confession, for me to become real and honest with myself. And so I confessed to him—- “ Yes! I have loved you selflessly, and it seems my love for you has never faded. To tell you the truth, I still love you, but now I won’t show it to you anymore. Don’t love me back, I can’t love you anymore!”.
It was 2:34, I switched off my cell and for the first time in my life, I went to the washroom and cried for so long, I never even realised when the clock struck 4. I came back to my room and slept as cadaver. As soon as I came to myself after a good night’s sleep, I took my phone to check. No profile picture, no last seen, nothing was visible to me of him. I scrolled up to his last text that makes my heart beat faster even now. He had written—- “I am really sorry for being so stupid that I took so long to tell you this, even when you loved me so selflessly. I didn’t give you anything back, but now I am courageous enough to confess that, YES, I am ready to love you back, the way you want me to! I’ve never said that but all my best memories and moments that are precious to me has you in them and I want to tell you this the moment we will meet again”.
Again I was crying like crazy. I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t stop. Again I felt my heart crack. I wanted to shout all my frustrations out but I couldn’t. I was home and so was everyone. I was helpless. It was our last mutual confession to each other. Somewhere, somehow, I lost my 3 am companion, before getting him for life, I lost him.